Helping our children develop internal motivation

As parents we are constantly walking the fine line between hovering over our kids and taking a hands-off approach.  If we hover and monitor their every move, we take away their independence and don't allow them to grow from their mistakes.  Yet if we take a hands-off approach, we run the risk of them floundering without guidance or falling behind in school.  It's a dance I'm sure many of you can relate to.

I've always been a relatively hands-off parent.  I feel my kids make good choices, are responsible, and I trust that they'll do the right thing, get their work done, and succeed in school.  This is the case most of the time, until it isn't.......   I recently ventured into the territory of being just a bit too laissez-faire with one of my kids. I noticed my son's math work was becoming sloppier and sloppier. Neatness wasn't always his strong suit, and I felt there wasn't much I could control without nagging him or sounding like a broken record. I figured one day he would recognize that presentation was important.

Hmmm.....would he really?

Anyway, one night he forgot his math binder and his book containing his homework. (I forgot to mention that this is also a somewhat absent minded child.)  We were able to get the assignment from a friend and he completed it for the next day.  Then, the very next day, I receive a report from his teacher saying he left his classwork at home and wasn't prepared for class that day. This SAME day I discover he has forgotten to complete his science homework and quickly scribbled something in class, hoping it would be good enough. OK, do you see a pattern here??  I was now clearly in the territory of TOO hands-off.

That evening we had a serious family discussion about the quality of our work and effort reflecting our intellectual abilities.  This is a pretty smart kid handing in mediocre work at best (and that may be being generous ;).  He completed his science homework that evening with care, deliberation, and focus.  It took awhile, and he was so proud of the finished product.  I reminded him how good it felt to hand in high quality work - work that really showed his strengths and the effort he put into it.  He also worked carefully on his math. It was neater, more thoughtful, and hopefully easier for his teacher to read.

At Parker, we don't give grades and rarely have tests.  It's sometimes tricky for kids to assess their ability and measure it against a norm. Teachers are striving to develop a student's internal motivation and drive to succeed.  This is powerful stuff - the pride that a child feels after putting in his/her best effort clearly trumps a letter grade.  This feeling of accomplishment is far more meaningful than any grade or test score. The feeling of knowing that with effort and dedication one can produce high-quality work is something that sticks with a child far longer than an A on a math test.

Let's make a commitment to empower our children to succeed, not by micromanaging, nagging, or hovering, but by supporting them and encouraging them to be the best they can be.  Yes, there will be bumps in the road, and times when your child forgets his homework or rushes through her work.  With firm, yet loving guidance focused around school work, children will be able to see how their effort pays off and develop pride from their accomplishments.

Here is a wonderful article about helping your child overcome procrastination and develop internal motivation.  A worthwhile goal to aim for in 2017!

Please comment.  How do you help your child be successful in school?  Are you a hands-off parent, or do you get involved?